After fun, there's this low. You know what I'm talking about, right? After something with friends, and everyone's laughing, and having a good time, and then all of a sudden, you're home alone, parents out, cell phones off, no one to talk to, nobody to stave off the complete and utter loneliness.
And there's one person that I didn't want to be without. I thought I would be okay this weekend. I deluded myself into thinking that it was getting better, not worse. I told myself that this weekend was going to be fine, and I wouldn't miss him at all. Then I missed the after school talking bit. And I pretty much crumbled.
Being around people made me less depressed. But everything I did was to impress him, even though he wasn't there. I was constantly looking around for him, hoping to see him, when I knew he wasn't there.
When I walked into my empty home, the last thing I wanted to do was to be alone with myself.
I didn't want to feel this hopeless pain, a feeling that never quite goes away. I wanted distraction, something to make me forget, even if just for a moment.
I turned around, and left again.
I wanted to go somewhere near a road, in case he drove by, I wanted to be in the light, so he could see me. I wanted to be somewhere where he could join me.
I chose to sit at the very top of the slide at the elementary school playground. I faced the road, turned on the creepiest music I owned, and waited for someone, who was not going to come.
A man and his dog came to see me, and tried to get me to come down, but I pretended I couldn't hear them. I turned my music up loud, and texted, trying to enjoy the feeling of adrenaline that the night air and the scary music, and the possible danger of a man who most likely thought I was suicidal.
The man left, and I was alone, again, with the ache, and the sadness, and the cold.
If it wasn't so damn cold, I'd probably be there right now.
I stood to leave, and then it happened again. But better.
It was a van. His van.
Right model, right color, right license plate.
It was him.
Again, my body responded before my mind did, and I broke into a run, trying to follow. I realized as I grabbed my cell phone, as to keep it from falling, like it did the time before, just how pathetic I was.
I followed him to a four way stop, and lost him again. The same four way stop that I lost the other van before.
Red lights blinked in the distance, and my feet started to walk after them, but I stopped myself. The streets were black, with slight orange glow every couple blocks. If I followed, I would be in the dark most of the time.
I was so empty, desperate shards of hope all I had.
I thought about the three days I had before me, stretched long with wasted time and being alone.
I thought about following the van down the road, into the unknown blackness, at nearly ten at night.
I wondered what would happen if I managed to follow him, stalking him to his house, watching him leave his car, enter into the building. I'd probably wait a moment, to see if he would come out again, knowing that he wouldn't. I'd memorize his address, and probably go there every day, all weekend.
I wondered what would happen if I went home, sinking into my black hole. I pictured sitting down at my computer, trying to cheer myself up with happy music, and pretending to be a complete person.
I chose to go home, because of the dark. I told myself, as a proper mother should, that it was too dark to chase after ghosts. That it was late, and I needed to get myself in a warm place.
And so I followed my own advice, and went home unwillingly, wishing I had chosen the other option the whole way home.
The cold and the dark didn't raise my adrenaline anymore. I was completely empty, no high from the night could help.
I made it home alive, if that's what you're wondering. I ran the last bit home, and checked my e-mail to see if he sent anything (He never has).
I'm so screwed up.
Another three days until I can be at school again, another weekend down the drain. Another week of hopes, and disappointment. Then another weekend of complete depression.
When I was so depressed last friday, I felt like life was coming to an end. I changed my facebook status to say I was having a mid life crisis. That's what it felt like.
High school is my life. And it is almost ending, killing me. He is my life, and soon I will never see him again.
Yesterday, over facebook, he said to me "LOL at your status".
It was about him.
He asked me if I was planning on dying at 30. And I can't even imagine living at thirty.
His status was saying he had gotten into the university of his choice.
His life is moving onward. Mine is hanging by a thread.
Three days. And then everything resumes.
May 15, 2009 at 10:48 PM
-hugs-
God, I feel like Alice in Mutially Assured Distruction. And I don't want it to end the same way that did, because even though that would be all good for you, I would miss you!
I'm trying to be supportive. I really am.
May 15, 2009 at 11:10 PM
try and think of warm fuzzy bunnies and kelp(L) think positive kay bud?
May 15, 2009 at 11:34 PM
Hey darlin!
We'll definitely hang out after high school okay? After all the next step from high school for us is Post Secondary. And our institution is the same choice. So don't fret. Also, you'll get over this. TRUST ME. I know exactly how you feel. I'll tell you on Tuesday or over msn if you read this before Tuesday comes. <3
May 19, 2009 at 5:11 PM
I don't really know what to say to you, Jazza. Just remember that there's always gonna be other people who enjoy having you around more than anything. You just gotta do something about him yourself. Try something new and maybe it'll be rewarded. :)