I want to leave in order to live. I want to stay because I'm scared. I hide because I don't know. I don't cry because I don't know how. I want to do everything. I want to stop existing. I want to be famous. I want to be invisable. I have nothing. I have to much. I will one day be happier. I will one day stop pouring my heart into blogs I don't care about.
Oh
the terror of the shutters that don’t close right, so the tender
breeze floats through, alive as you are, curled under blankets and
shame, and it knows you, it knows what you’re hiding, and as it
lifts up one flap of hair, running against your bare skin and it
whispers the things you never wanted to hear, cold and ice blue,
falling against your reddened ears, and nothing can save you. Nothing
changes what you’ve already done. There’s no place left to hide,
the shutters will never close and the fingers of cold, winter wind
will always find you, and chill you to the bone.
So. Rereading my last post I'm a little horrified. I feel like I can't let that be the last thing on this blog.
I'm in a much different place now. I have a lot more control over my life, I'm not an alcoholic, and I haven't done drugs in like, a day and a half. I have a different, way sexier boyfriend, who is sweet and caring and accepting, although a little distant. I am finally handling my emotions in positive ways, instead of drinking excessively and being messed up about food I write, I actually talk to my friends, I do random acts of kindness and lie in the sunshine.
So yeah. Don't freak out random internet travelers! If you find this, I am probably okay now.
Probably.
