more ramblings of the messed up sort

I want to leave in order to live. I want to stay because I'm scared. I hide because I don't know. I don't cry because I don't know how. I want to do everything. I want to stop existing. I want to be famous. I want to be invisable. I have nothing. I have to much. I will one day be happier. I will one day stop pouring my heart into blogs I don't care about.

I am not the same


Oh the terror of the shutters that don’t close right, so the tender breeze floats through, alive as you are, curled under blankets and shame, and it knows you, it knows what you’re hiding, and as it lifts up one flap of hair, running against your bare skin and it whispers the things you never wanted to hear, cold and ice blue, falling against your reddened ears, and nothing can save you. Nothing changes what you’ve already done. There’s no place left to hide, the shutters will never close and the fingers of cold, winter wind will always find you, and chill you to the bone.

extremely different

So. Rereading my last post I'm a little horrified. I feel like I can't let that be the last thing on this blog.

I'm in a much different place now. I have a lot more control over my life, I'm not an alcoholic, and I haven't done drugs in like, a day and a half. I have a different, way sexier boyfriend, who is sweet and caring and accepting, although a little distant. I am finally handling my emotions in positive ways, instead of drinking excessively and being messed up about food I write, I actually talk to my friends, I do random acts of kindness and lie in the sunshine.

So yeah. Don't freak out random internet travelers! If you find this, I am probably okay now.

Probably.

Ultimate Winning?

deleted for horror prevention

Hey there chicas, miss me much?
Yeah, well get used to it.

But, on the flip side, I'll probably paint my fingernails tomorrow.

Oh, and I've got a complex. The sort of complex where you're only interested in guys who are
a) too young (yes, cougar at 18, time to apply for a world record)
b) way too old
c) dating someone else
d) really not interested
e) probably gay
f) fictional
or
g) all of the above, aka most unattainable men.
Oh, and if you chose all of the above, you're correct! Surprise.
I'm a mess. And if any of my glorious love interests actually get really interested, I run away, so far away.
It's all right though. I'll drown my sorrows in nail polish and lemonade and old Doctor Who episodes. Like a champion.
It's late, and I'm tired from a seven hour shift and I smell terrible. Time for pajamas and facewash, please.
Oh! And I'm trying to get in the habit of writing a bit each day. Not for this blog, like, short stories or chapters or etc. So far, three days of decentness. Lets try and go for tomorrow too, now sport.
Peace out, Holmes. Sherlock. Holmes.

today is a warm grape soda type of day

So, lets be funny today, shall we?

Well, I'm not sure if I can, as my funny bone (hah hah.) is rusty (not funny/slightly gross) but I'll try.

(every time I say the word try, I want to follow it by saying "Do or do not, there is no try" in a Yoda voice. Cool?)

So, as many of you are wondering, a warm grape soda day is like, a very messed up one.

It starts out surprisingly sweet, then gets TOO sweet, then you swallow a fly, then you're gagging on the ground and people are ignoring you, and then you set it down and want to give up, but your parents say "you opened it and you finish it!" and so you try to sip it, and it makes you sick, so you chug back a bit, and then stagger around moaning as your mouth turns purple, and then you sip it a little more, trying to finish, and then you give up, and when no one's looking, you pour the last bit down the sink, splashing the dark purple dye onto your new white shirt, and then you sigh and set down the can, and just walk away, until your mom yells at you for leaving a can on the counter, and you have to deal with the stupid thing that you thought would be good, and then you throw it into the recycling bin with excessive force, and walk away satisfied that you showed that can who's boss. Then you spend the rest of the night applying Tide to Go on your shirt.

Yes.

That is a metaphor for how my day has been/will be. UNDERSTAND ME.

On a nice and happy note: tomorrow is the last day of class!!

Woohoo!

-Tizzle.

Insanity and the Little Blue Duck

Oh, so like, yesterday, there was like, this suuuuuuper hot man in my class, but like, he had this braid, from behind his ear, and was like, really weird, in this like, suuper hot way, But, like, he was wearing a skirt. Well, it wasn't really a skirt, more like a dress. With pants. Made out of like, burlap or some shit. And I was like, okay, fine. be eccentric. You're still cute though. And then he like, held this flashlight in his hands, but it wasn't turned on, it was totally unlit, and he held it towards me all like, menacing like, and growled really deep and kinda sexy, if you like dangerous weird men. So I like, fluttered my eyelashes a bit, just a little. and he sheathed his stick. And then he leaned in, and he smelled like grass and sweat and a little bit of citrus, and his eyes were this really light blue. And when he spoke, he had this light irish accent. and basically, he's in my bed right now.
Oh, gotta go!

-Tea

I have the Force

Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man.
This is my next 2 weeks:
Tuesday 6th- write FPA essay (and hand in) and event report
Wednesday 7th- write English essay, hand in event report apply for bakery job
Thursday 8th- hand in English essay, work
Friday 9th- work
Saturday 10th- write other FPA essay
Sunday 11th- study Archeology
Monday 12th- Write FPA essay
Tuesday 13th- study Archeology
Wednesday 14th- Archeology test
Thursday 15th- Hand in FPA essay
Friday 16th- study
Saturday 17th- study
Sunday 18th- study
Monday 19th- EXAMSSSSSS!!!!!!!ahhhhhh!!!ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday 20th- pass out.

Good stuff eh? Lots of fun.

Easter is Magnificent in it's Many Colored Pastel Wonder




Got that epiiiiiiiiiiiic book with my coles gift card :) Shopping For Vintage. And everybody knows, or should know (you could be a self absorbed crazy person-- I'm not here to judge) that I love clothes. I love making them (although I suck) and wearing them oddly (which I need to do more often) and just looking at their glory online or window shopping. Yes, I do know my designers. I actually can tell the difference between Dolce and Versace. I better freaking get a Tiffany wedding ring. And vintage? That's like the best thing there is.
This book... it's going to change my world.
In the back, it lists EVERY country in the world (excluding odd third world ones- no one wants to shop there) and EVERY amazing little vintage boutique there. Sigh. There are five near where I live, and I want to go so desperately. I'm really into coats from the 30's right now. I wouldn't be able to pull one off right now, but I will be able to eventually, probably :) Hopefully. Please?

So, lets go?

My parents had some very rich people over at our house yesterday. I'm talking millionaires here. And after I came back from chinatown, I had to go change into a skirt and sit up straight and eat nicely and be gracious and pronounce things correctly. It was bizarre. It's always bizarre. But, they said that in all the countries they've visited-- and they've seen a lot-- I could be dropped in the streets of France, and I would fit in perfectly.
Everyone says I look French. But I'm not. And I don't think I look French. I look different, because I have weird coloring. But French? I dunno.

Anyways. Gotta work on my homework. Fails.

-Tibblet.

Lick a Little Lemon. (Happy Easter)


Ohhh, baby.

You see dat shit? Yeah.

LUCKY ELEPHANT PINK CANDY POPCORN.

Don't tell me you don't know what that is. It's amazing. It's spectacular. It's.... candy from the 90's!!!

oh man. so good. so so good.

And yeah, I'm madly in love with vintage candy shops now and I'm moving to chinatown.

No big deal though. Not like I'm going to like, France or anything. Hah. Hah. Cough.

Okay, maybe I'm going to France too. But that's not for now. That's later. In a few years. Chinatown first.

Terra's Weird Quirk of the Day:

(I drink out of mugs when I have juice and water and stuff. Cold stuff in coffee mugs is the greatest thing in the world. I only use glasses when we have company over.)

And now-- off to write four essays in one day! Skip skip skip off to the happy joy land of HOLYFREAKINGHELLOHMYJESUSIHAVESOMUCHHOMEWORKI'MGOINGTOHAVEASTROKE.

Oh, and happy easter all you kiddies. Have fun with your chocolate :) I know I will!

My Loot:

Lindt chocolate eggs, a Lindt bunny, dark chocolate Cadbury Mini Eggs, a $10 Starbucks card and a $10 Coles card.

Five bucks to whoever can guess which one I'm most excited about :D

-Tee.


I Think I May Be Sappy

I seriously crave like, romance stories, cute, fluffy, steamy, whatever. Any sort of intense emotion with a happy ending, well, I love it.
And I never thought of myself as sappy or romantic, but now that I think about it... I am.
I want deep red velvet roses on valentines day, I want proclamations of love, I want to be serenaded under the stars. I want a storybook romance, which is so, so, so odd. I always considered myself less than averagely girly, and slightly low matinence. But now that I'm starting to understand myself a bit more...
It's not what I expected, but whatever. I can be chill with this.
Now, to go off and read romantic fanfiction :)
-sigh- :)

:) Good Day

Well, it's not really that great of a day. I mean, I'm hiding in the library, skipping my tutorial for the class in which I will officially be missing 2 assignments from in about, oh, 28 minutes.
And I'm going to be hiding for the next... 3 and a half hours. 4 total, I just have already spent a half hour checking my e-mail and other similar types.
But, it's a good day because every single day, I seem to be happier, stronger, and much more cheerful. So, today is much better than yesterday, which was better than the day before, and so forth. Tomorrow, well that will be great. Day after? Wonderful. After that? It's just going to get better and better.
I mean, there's always going to be shitty days where it rains and you get mud up your pants, and they're out of coffee at the caf, and you walk into class without any pencils, to a pop quiz. But even a day like that will be better than the dark days. Because inner happiness is something that doesn't diminish easily. It's like, there's this glowy white ball of happy buried deep in your chest. And although the outside stuff may be awful, the happy can still burn bright. And the opposite is true. If there's a dark cloud where the happy should be, even the most perfect of days, (you know the type, where your clothes are all clean and hanging up, and your bedroom is warm when you get up, and you can just smell the pancakes cooking downstairs, and your phone is blinking with a text message from the guy of your dreams, and the radio turns on, to your favorite song, and you just know that this will be an amazing day) but it's tainted, and you can't enjoy it properly.
And it's like, my stormy cloud is gone, it's been gone for a while. But only in the last little while has the happiness come back.
And it feels good. Like there's this special part of my heart that's just there to love life and myself.
I'm not sure if everyone feels this way, but it's nice for the time being :)

<3

don't gamble with your life

or your head.

or your heart.

Because, when you leave it up to chance, the chances of being destroyed beyond repair are far too high. They should be around 0.0054%, not half and half.

But I'm happy. I'm really happy. Really really happy. Don't worry.
It's just the whole, leaving-it-up-to-chance thing.
I just need to learn how to get in control of my own life, head and heart.
Then I'll be good, and happy, and worry free.

Terrible news

I'm sorry guys. I would have told you before, but I was shamed.

I..

I have jaundice!




I'm glorious today.

So, sure it's snowing like crazy outside, and I'm at school, with a dead cellphone and possibly no way to get home. And maybe I attempted to ask someone something, and I need my cellphone to see their response, and I have to wait until 2 o'clock before I can find their answer. And maybe I look like an elf today, as I'm super pale from the cold, and my dark hair is all pulled back, and my pencil pointy chin is super prominent, and my lips are like, pink red, and my eyes are rimmed with red too, from not sleeping. I look like a druggy-elf-rabbit.
Anyways, I was going to say that even all these things are messing up my general happiness today, I still am happy because... Well, can't you tell?
My blog. It's GLORIOUS. It's god-like. Amazing.
Blue did it for me. And for those of you not in the know, Blue is Kate. As she has red hair. Duh.
And also, I have a peanut butter sandwich in my bag. And even though it's SO FREAKING COLD OUTSIDE, I'm going to buy myself a milkshake from the White Spot, and drink it in my Arch lecture. Mwhaha.
And my superhero name is now...

The Bouncing Emo.
According to the loons I call my friends:
" No, it's great
YOu can like, bounce... and shoot emo-death rays that turn people into wilting roses and other assorted emo objects
And, you are deadly accurate with razzzzors
Like, whipping them at things
Wachaaa"

Doesn't sound very cool :D

But I'm not cool anyways :)

And also, I have a mad love for Andy Warhol. And I'm listening to She & Him over and over. And I'm going to make a comic book with Kate and Maggie. It will be splendid.

This blog post is on crack. And now they're debating my gender. Not cool guys.

I can totally take Vegetarian Entrees and Writing For Young Adults. Then I would be happier than even a clam.

mm

Ooooooh, the have sugarcraft.

I LOVE SUGARCRAFT.

Pic of sugarcraft flowers:


Tots epic, no?

MOUSSE CAKES?!?!?!

oh, sweetums

So, here I am, at school. Again. GOSH, WHY AM I HERE? This place sucks so much, I can't wait to escape.
Sigh. Mother. Father. Trying to remember why I haven't dropped out before today. But I'm dropping out. According to my parents, I still have to go to class for the remainder of the semester though.
And next year, who knows. I was looking at a culinary institute, which would be over $40,000 for two years, money that I really do not have. So, I'm looking at my other options. A local college has baking and pastry arts, my absolute love. But it would mean for me to quit my job, which I love, in order to work for something applicable. Pizza doesn't count as pastry, sadly.
And the college also has an extensive creative writing program, which would make my life very much complete.

Oh, this is so hard.

I'll just have to talk to my parents about that.

Seriously, I could take a course called "Advanced Puff Doughs". I have no idea what that means, but it's epic. Or one titled "Appetizers and Hor d'oeuvers"
Can you imagine taking something called "Cake Decorating 101"?! It's like, heaven.

"Egg and Breakfast Making"?!?! Okay, well I wouldn't take that, because I don't like eggs. Wait. Unless they teach you how to make waffles. Then, maybe.

Okay, must stop rambling about this.

"Easter Breads"?! I don't know what an easter bread is, but it sounds fab! I will make you all easter bread, and sew little bonnets for them. It'll be like my homemade CD cases, entirely epic.

Haha. I'm not cool.

"Glorious Pies And Tarts"?!?!?!

No ways.

Okay, I'll be quiet now.

EIGHTY ONE AND ITS COOL

So, I'm procrastinating. "What else is new?" Nothing, really. "That was sacrastic. It means you always procrastinate." Oh. "Yeah." vgdsiYFGlhresa
That was cool. Really cool.
MIDTERM IN TEE MINUS 57 MINUTES. And I have yet to study. "Oh, you."
Hahaha. I entertain myself. Which is good, because I don't entertain anyone else. And I had french vanilla coffee today, but it was bad. Watered down and sadmaking. I like my coffees thick and flavorful, and super sweet :) Mmm. I mounted my guitar on the wall. Which looks cool, but now I don't play it as often, because it's out of the way, really. Beside my bed. I stroke it before I go to sleep though. And then the sound of the strings echoes around my room for a few seconds, before fading away. It's like the music box I used to play before I went to bed every night in grade 12. Except less geeky and doesn't go all tinny and bizarre at the end.
I'm so excited for the spring and summer, and this warmth in the air, it feels like possibility. When I go home today, I will be so free. My mom and I are going to go to a garden centre, and get seeds and plan out the garden this year. I told her I want to have a small section for herbs, like thyme, lemon grass, mint, and I want a window tray for my room, where I can grow lavender and maybe a few small window sill pots for crocuses. They're my favorite flower, you know. Bizarre flower to be a favorite, because they don't come in bouquets. If you don't know what a crocus is, I shall give you a picture, seeing as they are lovely.
Yes, gorgeous things :) Alas, now I mist flip through my textbook quickly, and try to soak it all in. And classical music is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Today, is a lovely day. The test is but a small mundane blip in the gorgeous weather, the possibilities. I'm going to go for a hike, or dance, or read Sense and Sensibility again, one of my favorite books. I should go through my literature section of my bookshelf, I've got at least 25 novels there, only half of them read. Today is not exactly a Dracula day, even though that's next on my reading list. Maybe I'll read Emma instead.

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