I've been alone a lot recently. And even when I'm with people, I'm not really there. Family and their friends move around like water, but I'm vinyl. Impervious.
And I miss you guys. But I don't feel lonely, as I wander by myself. I have you in my heart, and take you with me everywhere I go.
I forgot I was alone today, as I wandered through the mall for a couple hours, and then bussed to library, and walked back. I was out of the house from 10:30 to 4:00, and I never felt truly alone once.
I miss him a lot too. It's not a very pleasant place in my mind right now.
I'm worried about whether this will get better or worse after Sunday.
I also thought about taking anti-depressants.
We'll see what happens to my mental state of mind after Sunday. If it gets worse, I might ask.
Oh, to be in grade 12 again.
Life was more complicated, more tedious, more depressing, and more fast-paced.
The days were like hours.
Now they're like a lifespan. Each day to be born, then to die. To grow up, and mature. To experience childish delight newly every day.
They drag on with their beautiful boredom, the boredom itself throwing rainbows like crystals, illuminating the dark, and filling my day with a melancholy tranquil.
It is nearly midnight, and my bones are filling with liquid. My hands are bronzed and wrinkled from the light of the computer screen, and I can feel my joints aching.
I am headed into the shower, then off to die again.
Tomorrows life will be less eventful, I hope.
I need to calm myself.
Prepare for Sunday.
Because, what happens then decides my fate.
No joke.
June 20, 2009 at 4:38 AM
i heart you! dont be so sad!
June 21, 2009 at 10:42 PM
Tomorrow will be epic! No lonliness in any sense of the word! <3 -extending loving non-alone thoughts-